MY BUCKET LIST
- Become an international student in South Korea.
- Learn to cook.
- Learn to control my finances.
- Travel to all the places I have dreamt of.
- New Zealand
- Become my own boss.
- Enjoy being loved.
- Become a role model for someone.
- Learn to snorkel.
- Learn to snowboard.
- Help my family follow their dreams.
I’ve been thinking about making my own bucket list for quite a while but due to the fact that I don’t usually follow through on most of my goals I’ve debated actually writing it down for as long as I’ve thought about making it. For some reason today it hit me that even if I don’t actually complete everything on my list I should still write it down as a way to have goals in my life. I know that writing down a bucket list won’t actually make me want to follow through with all the hard work that comes along with making those trips and wishes come true, but maybe it’ll become a good stepping stone towards me becoming more aware with what I can actually accomplish. The main reason I want to write this down though is so that I can start getting through my own issues of insecurity, I know that my insecurities are the main reason why I don’t do what I want. I always think that I’ll fail and I don’t want to live this way anymore, I mean who wants to live all their life with so many dreams and being to scared to even begin to chase them?
In all honesty, how can I look my sister or my mom in their eyes and tell them to be confident and that they should follow all their dreams when I sit in my room scared to even try? But that’s honestly what I do, I listen to their dreams and wishes and encourage them to follow them but whenever I think of a dream I think of all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it before thinking of why I should do it. Isn’t that something? Instead of encouraging myself to be better I bring myself down. I anticipate the failure of all my dreams without even giving them a chance to grow. Part of the reason why I anticipate the failure is also because I’m too lazy to do the research and work needed to accomplish something so instead of imagining the best outcome I imagine the worst to make myself feel better about not trying. It’s so much easier to just know you’re going to fail and not try instead of trying and having more obstacles come my way. Maybe being a homebody is not the greatest way to live this life, it’s nice to be able to be alone but it also saddens me to know that I’m missing so many opportunities just because I’m so afraid to go out and try.
I never learned how to express myself in public or alone, so all my feelings are always internalized and only show up once in a while when the smallest thing sets off ginormous emotions that come out of nowhere. Sometimes I’ll be watching TV and will just feel like crying out of the blue, that moment when I cry I feel so pitiful for not trying and for giving up without even trying, so this bucket list will be my first step to not pity myself or my decisions anymore.